Yesterday was my daughter’s first birth class at the hospital and since I am her designated coach, I had to go with. As usual, we were rushed, running to the store for snacks and grabbing pizza slices for the kids to eat on the way to Grandma’s house since she was going to watch them since my husband had to work. With a quick kiss on Emily’s head and a quick Don’t Give Grandma a Hard Time By Teasing Your Little Sister speech to Jordon, we were off with only ten minutes to get across town.
We were five minutes late and not even sure where to go when we spotted a pregnant couple carrying food walking ahead of us and decided to follow them. Luckily, they were going to the class and not into labor and we found ourselves in a room full of young couples. There was one other female “couple”- a young mom-to-be and her friend, so we didn’t stick out too much. Our instructor had to be the most happiest person in the world. She had a joke to tell with almost every sentence she spoke. If I had her as a doula, I think I would end up taking the strap that holds the monitoring equipment on you(she even made a joke about that damn strap) and wrap it around her neck and make her swear not to joke, smile or even laugh until the kid came out.
This class was a bit boring, since I’ve had three kids and know pretty much how everything goes in the birthing department, so out of boredom, I began to count how many times Miss Happy joked about something. (In case you wondered, Miss Happy, you made 17 jokes in the first hour.)
I happened to look down at my purse while nodding off and noticed 4 missed calls on my cell phone. Oh God! Someone is hurt and they’ve been trying to get a hold of me! I flipped through my calls and see that they are all from my husband with no message. He always does that-calls and leaves no message so I don’t know what he wanted-I’m so going to kill my husband.
Of course I start to panic, thinking that something may be wrong. I couldn’t call in the classroom, so I left the room and went out in the hallway to call my mom to see if the kids were ok. I then decided that maybe I should go outside so nobody can hear me. So, I went outside and called my mom and everybody was fine-good. I tried my husband’s cell and no answer, of course. I figured then that he must of forgot that we had a class and probably just wanted me to go to the store and get him some snacks or something. So I went to go back inside and the doors wouldn’t open- oh crap! Now, I’m locked outside and all I can think of is that Miss Happy will have now have another joke to add to her show- I’m SO going to kill my husband.
I decided to run to the front door and hopefully, someone will see me and let me in. Luckily, I saw one of the dads from the class standing in the hallway by the sliding doors and he smiled as I waved and gave a nervous laugh.
After he let me in, I spotted my daughter and she’s like, what happened? I told her about the non opening doors and she said that the teacher let everyone go on break about two minutes after I left and let everyone know that if you go outside, make sure someone is there to let you back in-I’m SO going to kill my husband.
After break, I suffered through the rest of the boring class, barely staying awake and thank God, Miss Happy laughed loudly at her own jokes to stir me up to save me from accidentally snoring.
When class was over, I grabbed the kids from Grandma (oh, BTW Mom, Emily was up til 11pm-did she have caffeine??) I hurried home to- you guessed it- kill my husband.